Real Life Stories

Amanda’s Story: Don’t Be Blinded by Love

 

I’ve been divorced for four years. Throughout my marriage I experienced times when I was blinded by love, while other times I was scared to ever leave my husband, due to financial reasons. I was financially comfortable. 

One day I was looking for something in his backpack, and I found a ring that he had purchased. I questioned him about it, and he said that he had bought it for a friend of his because her credit card wasn’t working. He said she would be paying him back. I thought it was a little bit strange, but I left it at that. That night, I was watching television. It was close to 1:00 in the morning when he came and told me that he had bought the ring for another woman and that he was leaving me. He went into my girls’ room and said goodbye to them. He left us that night. The sad part was that a few months before, we had gone to visit the woman he left us for because he had said that she was sick with cancer. At the time he told me that, just like I had shown kindness to others and visited sick people, he wanted to do the same for his friend. I suggested that we all go together and take a road trip to see her in Florida.

I knew that they had met online through a computer game. I knew this because he asked his mom and me what present he should get her as a group gift since she was having two major surgeries: a double mastectomy and a hysterectomy. We made suggestions like fuzzy slippers and lotions, helping him with ideas, but I always thought of her as just a friend because that’s what he told me. 

Even though she knew he was married and had met me and my girls, she pursued him and he pursued her. We even took her grocery shopping and out to eat. I was so kind to her. He went back to see her on his own, but again, he said he was just visiting the sick. She even sent us gifts as a thank you for all our help. Little did I know, she and my husband were already romantically involved. 

After he left us that night, my husband wanted to come and pack up his stuff. My attorney was very smart and told us not to allow him to do this until he took care of certain things. First, my husband needed to give me a Get (a document in Jewish religion that terminates a Jewish marriage.) He also needed to make arrangements to take care of us financially for the next few months. The rabbi who helped me receive the get told me that we needed to catch him while he was there. The next morning, after my husband came to get his stuff, we went to finalize the get. It was a very emotional and difficult time for me; I was extremely sad and I cried. 

This all took place in March. A few months later, in August, we had a date for mediation. A friend came with me for emotional support. We sat in one room and my now ex-husband sat with his attorney in another. The mediator spent more time with him because he hadn’t come prepared. He couldn’t make any decisions! I was so thankful that I had a good attorney who knew what she was doing.

My advice to other women is to keep your eyes open. I was married for nineteen years. Try not to get blinded by love. That’s what happened to me. Make sure you know all of your accounts, where all the money is going, insurance policies, IRAs, anything that has to do with finances. For example, I now know he took money out of his IRA to pay for the ring for this woman. At the time, I had no idea how much he had spent on it. A month later, a receipt and the ring’s brochure came in the mail. He spent $14,000 on the ring. I asked my attorney to find out how he had $14,000 to spend and found out that it came from the IRA, which was technically both of ours.

Additionally, before remarrying, have a conversation with your spouse about how you will be spending your money together and discuss any big purchases that you may make. Lastly, it is key to have a good attorney. My ex-husband had a terrible attorney who didn’t even prepare properly for mediation, while mine was extremely well-prepared.

*1: Rabbi Binyomin Friedman of Congregation Ariel in Atlanta explains. The couple was married in a religious ceremony therefore they required a religious divorce called a Get to allow for remarriage. As stipulated in the marriage document a divorcee receives a financial settlement however in most cases the civil settlement exceeds the amount stipulated in the marriage contract.